you traded sex for a burrito?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
