got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
