It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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