You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
