My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
