hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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