Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
