not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
