All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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