HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
