I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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