i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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