You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
