I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
