How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
