i already hear my dad disowning me
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
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Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
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That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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