Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
