When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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