You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
