just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
