I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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