shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
