There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
