Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
