ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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