just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
