You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
