Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
