i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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