I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Enjoy the penises
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
