never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
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