My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
