If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
