You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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