the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
