You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
