I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize