i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
