our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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