she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
