i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
