i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
