Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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