Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
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He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
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I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
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They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no