Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just cropdusted the office
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
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It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
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When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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