is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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