i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
FUCK WHALES
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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