i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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