Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
