His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
