Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
