there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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