Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
