i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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