Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
