The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.