I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.