I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
