1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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