if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital