I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
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His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
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Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend