I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin