you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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