i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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