I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
soo... how was my night?
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