i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
