I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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